someone asked me recently.. "How's your love life?"

I just smiled and left it unanswered.

Right now I, myself am not sure if I had really been in love.. or was it lust after all these years?

I'm sure I wasn't even happy during those "lovey-dovey" years as I kept myself in a stressed, trying to get the other's attention and turning myself into something I'm not. I kept myself awake for questioning myself like:

-is he the one?
-is this really it or just another swing of mine?
-is he looking only at me?
-or do I only dig for girls?

So, went through hell, and right back up to the surface of earth... back and forth till I finally find myself able to put the past behind me. well.. not all of it... but I managed to forget and lead on my life with a new leaf.

I have to admit, I act like a virgin school girl whenever I have this special person. I would talk-talk-talk-talk endlessly with my friendsabout that person and eventually annoys them. It made me look ridiculous. I hate those overwhealming feelings which never stop pouring. and whenever it came to the "breaking up" I would act like an idiot that had really lost their brains.

It results to countless nights of tears and sappy songs that I could get my hands on. Still remembering those days after a recent break up. Tears just kept falling without me noticing. And at the moment, I was presenting my idea to the class.. How embarassing and stupid of me. Yeah, I can't take control of my body.

Sometimes I wonder, what do people see me as?

Others usually see me as a robot or andriod or.. i dunno.. something that is programmed to always look calm, happy, fun and whatever their hearts desires.. Cuz I was expected to make them happy. It's my job. and I hate it.

.....................I'm still a human, with emotions.... =/

eventhough I seldom cry or show other emotions of mine, doesn't mean that I amnot weak.
I may put up a strong front everytime I face a big problem but truth is I was shaking and would beg for mercy. One thing that made me not to is my ego.

Therefore, this answers the question why I never cry in public of course. I was taught not to cry even if I am in the deepest **** of trouble. I forced myself to learn to act calm and solve the problem A.S.A.P. or be agressive if plan A doesn;t work out. In other means, put up a fight, a real fight. Kicks and punches included and more to come.


That's what probably made me not to fall in love.. or should I say turn asexual?
I just can't bring myself to fall in love. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to rely on others.
I just couldn't find any space to eventually love someone.
Even if I am attracted to that person, it might be that I was lusting for that desired person.
and I can't bring myself to deceive anyone for that advantage of mine.

I'm not heartless.

I could turn into one.
I could deceive and be selfish.
But then, it would be too troublesome if it gets too complicated.
So therefore, I won't unless I was provoked.

+sighhhhhhhhhhh+

enough with this little unmeaningful blabs of mine.. I'm going to bed.. Oyasumi..

Labels: love