May 18, 2009
Love?
someone asked me recently.. "How's your love life?"

I just smiled and left it unanswered.

Right now I, myself am not sure if I had really been in love.. or was it lust after all these years?

I'm sure I wasn't even happy during those "lovey-dovey" years as I kept myself in a stressed, trying to get the other's attention and turning myself into something I'm not. I kept myself awake for questioning myself like:

-is he the one?
-is this really it or just another swing of mine?
-is he looking only at me?
-or do I only dig for girls?

So, went through hell, and right back up to the surface of earth... back and forth till I finally find myself able to put the past behind me. well.. not all of it... but I managed to forget and lead on my life with a new leaf.

I have to admit, I act like a virgin school girl whenever I have this special person. I would talk-talk-talk-talk endlessly with my friendsabout that person and eventually annoys them. It made me look ridiculous. I hate those overwhealming feelings which never stop pouring. and whenever it came to the "breaking up" I would act like an idiot that had really lost their brains.

It results to countless nights of tears and sappy songs that I could get my hands on. Still remembering those days after a recent break up. Tears just kept falling without me noticing. And at the moment, I was presenting my idea to the class.. How embarassing and stupid of me. Yeah, I can't take control of my body.

Sometimes I wonder, what do people see me as?

Others usually see me as a robot or andriod or.. i dunno.. something that is programmed to always look calm, happy, fun and whatever their hearts desires.. Cuz I was expected to make them happy. It's my job. and I hate it.

.....................I'm still a human, with emotions.... =/

eventhough I seldom cry or show other emotions of mine, doesn't mean that I amnot weak.
I may put up a strong front everytime I face a big problem but truth is I was shaking and would beg for mercy. One thing that made me not to is my ego.

Therefore, this answers the question why I never cry in public of course. I was taught not to cry even if I am in the deepest **** of trouble. I forced myself to learn to act calm and solve the problem A.S.A.P. or be agressive if plan A doesn;t work out. In other means, put up a fight, a real fight. Kicks and punches included and more to come.


That's what probably made me not to fall in love.. or should I say turn asexual?
I just can't bring myself to fall in love. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to rely on others.
I just couldn't find any space to eventually love someone.
Even if I am attracted to that person, it might be that I was lusting for that desired person.
and I can't bring myself to deceive anyone for that advantage of mine.

I'm not heartless.

I could turn into one.
I could deceive and be selfish.
But then, it would be too troublesome if it gets too complicated.
So therefore, I won't unless I was provoked.

+sighhhhhhhhhhh+

enough with this little unmeaningful blabs of mine.. I'm going to bed.. Oyasumi..

Labels:



Ike at 5/18/2009


disclaimer;

Hi,
Welcome to Ay Ike Jay's blog..
Take a look around and don't forget to drop a line..






jukebox;



profile;

I don't give out my real name for some reasons..

You can call me Ay, Ikki, Ike or Jay...

A 1989 baby..

Loves the colour Red and Black

I love anything that is interesting to me.
My interest revolves mainly on art, music, dance and cosplay.



I am a proud fan of:-

archives;

February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
September 2011
July 2012

Istalk;

Family

Azhar's

Special Friends

Ryuugaki Noboru's
Usagi's


Special People

Belle Baby
Mieko <3
My Queen
My Terror-ific Uke, Honey
The Prince of Darkness, Xajin
Tara
Mr. I'm High on Sugar, Wen
The Reno
Silly Taka-Taki
CutiePie
The Cute Lil' Thing called Amal


School Friends

Miss Imah
Cuppy Cakers, Aaron
Frasy
Miss Fardiana
The Pingu
Miss Leyla
Amalina
Farah
Miss K-ly~~


College Friends

Apiq


tagboard;

tagboard here.
width no more than 180px pwease. :D

credits;

designer: shizuka-sama
image: gazette_daily
software: adobe photoshop 7.0
font: dafont