Feb 8, 2010
thoughts and rants
lately I caught myself thinking to much to the point i think i might go cuukoo..
this semester might be the toughest for me since a few assholes decided to be a jerk and becomes everyone's living hell...
well.. i'm not worried much about my assignments cuz i can pull it through if i want to but the mood is not there... and i think i might quit if this feelings lingers....
Idk... I'm feeling way way too down during these two months... maybe because the fact that the heavy burden that I'm carrying a lot of responsibility as a daughter, a student and a sister... =(
and the fact that I'm graduating if i ever get through this shit...
honestly, i want to make a living before i continue to pursue degree... I just feel that i can't resume without a break...
in my opinion..
I would like to venture into another world where boundaries are set aside and no paper works to be done..
I want to be free
to be able to spread my wings and go to places i have never gone too..
i want to be happy.
i want to smile sincerely.
i want to be me.
not to be someone that heeds what others want me to be..
really.. I am going to put on halt on my studies,
maybe for a year, and work my ass off...
get a car maybe?
and from there go around to places, do odd jobs that i love, go for an outing with my love with my own money, and be happy for once.
I can't work my ass off like my genius siblings...
Azhar is in Cairo, doing biomedic. (This jerk is a fast learner.. no need to work his ass off to get awesome marks...)
Alan is probably going to break Azhar's record in SPM (fucking genius la this asshole)
-I'm just another odd rebel in the family, doing all the No-s in my dad's rule book..
-I take up arts and get involve in drama / theater.
-I get my ass into the world of cosplay (something my family couldn't understand)
-I find myself unable to get into an intellectual conversation every time my family are debating
-I'm being misunderstood as a stuck up brat that doesn't socialize and have a sharp tongue.
-I caught myself feeling envious to all my cousins that are being look up too.
-I caught myself being push away further behind if I ever try to socialize with my family.
I can't even compete for the number one spot in sibling rivalry..
I'd be left out.
left hanging, and waiting....
sometimes i just wish..
that i could pull through and shine within my small family.
to be seen as someone.
not as a misunderstood rebel.
I tried to speak up, but my thoughts are always drowned by their words.
I can't remember how many nights i caught myself crying about this silly thoughts,
but the truth hurts..
to not to be in favor..
to be push away and left hanging by their words..
and when they tried to mend things,
i find myself unable to accept it..
I'm so used to be left alone.
I'm so used to think be by myself and do the things im used to do alone..
I'm getting too emotional..
I'm stopping here..
good morning and good night..